So far, this has been a great summer. We have seen some life changes, growth, newness, and a little sadness wrapped into these few months.
The older I get, the faster time seems to go.
We have recently unearthed some old video footage. We had it converted to a digital format, and we’ve been watching it a little at a time. These videos include me from the ages of 8 to around 16 or 17.
I am a bag of mixed emotions as I watch these videos.
They include Christmases with my cousin, uncle, and grandparents… Mamaw and Papaw on my mom’s side. When I watch that particular Christmas, I am struck by just how terrible my Papaw was and how wonderful my Mamaw was. I see how young my parents were, how cute my little brother was, and how annoying I was. I look at the faces, and what I didn’t know then, but know now makes it easier for me to see, the hurt and the heaviness, and it’s hard. We were all together for Christmas, and each of the adults had tough things going on in their lives, but they covered those hard things with smiles and kept going. I clearly remember how scared I was to go to my Papaw’s house, how afraid I was of him. I tried to always be on my very best behavior because we had no idea what might set him off. I’ve wanted to sugarcoat how bad things were with him, but the video clearly shows that he was really as terrible as I always thought. There’s one part where he tells us kids, ages 10, 8, and 5, to sit down and let him take our picture. When we don’t immediately respond, he says, “Sit down, you three idiots and let me take your picture.” That’s how he treated his grandchildren, whom he very rarely saw. He was a terrible grandparent until the day he died. He was that bad. I didn’t make it up. And in some ways, seeing that behavior in him, captured forever on tape, it’s strangely validating. I don’t feel so bad about how I think of him even today.
I see my sweet, beautiful Mamaw. She sits quietly. At one point in the video, I see my mom embrace her. They were standing in the kitchen getting lunch ready, and my mom just stopped and hugged her. She was a wonderful woman caught in a terrible situation. She was just as gentle and kind as he was rough and mean.
I see my uncle there with his first wife. You can see the strain on his face. When I watched the video, I realized that it wasn’t too long after that Christmas that we would lose contact with him and my cousin for a very long time. And all of this was the fault of my Papaw. Years that we can’t get back, and it makes me sad.
The next video is at my Grandmother and Grandaddy’s house on my dad’s side. I was stunned to see my uncle in the video. It has been years since I’ve seen his face and heard his voice. He died just a few years after the video was made. It was haunting in a way. I had forgotten what he looked like. I was surprised to see that Harrison actually favors him a little. We seemed happier and more relaxed at that Christmas gathering. Still, just under the surface, there was a ticking time bomb because you never knew when my uncle and Grandaddy might get into a fight. My grandmother’s house was happier and more familiar to me, but plenty of struggles were beneath the surface.
The last part of the video was my favorite part. It was our family’s Christmas morning. It was like stepping back in time. We were living in our tiny little house with rust-colored carpet. The Christmas tree was bigger than the living room. That year we got a flocked tree. When Daddy brought it home and unwrapped it, it spilled into the tiny living room. We had to move the rocking chair into the kitchen for the tree to fit. We always decorated our tree with blue lights, ornaments, and an angel tree topper that my daddy kept from childhood.
That year my brother got a drum set, and one of my favorite parts was when he laid into the drums with all he had while singing a rendition of “Silent Night.” He gave me a Barbie that year for Christmas, and when he handed it to me, he said, “Whitney, you aren’t going to believe what I got you. You’re going to love it”. It was so very sweet.
That Christmas, my daddy gave my mom a diamond ring. He was so excited to give it to her, and of course, she cried with excitement when he did.
I was flooded with emotions as I watched all those different Christmas gatherings. Memories can bring back a lot of feelings.
There were a lot of people on those videos that are now gone. A lot of things have happened since the videos were recorded.
Lots of hurt, pain, change, death, financial challenges, family struggles, sickness…
And when you look into the eyes of the people on the video, you realize they had no idea what was coming down the road.
I was personally struck with the realization that the little 8-year-old girl who would turn 9 years old the following month had no idea that her life would change forever at the age of 10. As she bounced around the living room, she had no clue that her carefree childhood was almost over.
As we watched the video, I began to cry. Jeremy asked me what was wrong, and I said I had no idea in that video that my life was about to change. I had no idea of the pain coming my way and the fear that would be involved. I had no idea I would question God’s goodness or think I was being punished somehow. It was like having a glimpse of life before it got tough before the wizard pulled back the curtain. And it was hard to process. And if I’m honest, I’m still struggling to process many things those videos brought up inside me.
Those videos were made in December of 1986, and in April of 1988, I would have my very first back surgery.
What if I had known? Would I have done anything differently?
What if I had known that the family on my mom’s side would soon be ripped apart, taking away the tiny semblance of anything good with that side of the family at that time? Because I loved my uncle and cousin, but in my Papaw’s selfishness, he would make those relationships very hard until the day he died.
Had I known that my uncle on my dad’s side wouldn’t have much longer to live, would I have treated him differently?
Would I have paused at that moment in our tiny house and taken in the joy on my mom’s face, the chipper way my dad sang Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the innocent and carefree way that my little brother played his new drums and was so excited to give me my Christmas present?
I think it’s impossible for an 8-year-old little girl to do anything differently than she did. But having that glimpse into a world far gone has made me extremely introspective today.
Hard things in life tend to shape us, make us have thicker skin, and make us cynical. I am guilty of that. I struggle to see the good, or I find myself wondering when the next shoe will drop because I’m afraid to enjoy those good moments for fear of what is to come.
But these videos… they did something to me. They made me stop and think.
And it makes me want to slow down, enjoy the small things, and pay attention to the laughter and the joy. Live in the carefree moments, soak in every single thing because things change so quickly, and time is a thief and a gift.
What I didn’t know as an 8-year-old girl that I know now has formed me into the person I am today. What my 45-year-old self knows that the 8-year-old little girl had no idea about was that God would bring me through many things, show me a lot, prove Himself over and over in my life, and give me more than I ever deserved.
All families have struggles. Everyone has skeletons in their closets and old baggage that no one knows about. We aren’t unique. Some kids have been through much more than I ever have. I’m not trying to make my circumstances sound unique or more important. But I’ve been struck this week by just how necessary it is to stop and enjoy the good times and maybe even live more like a carefree 8-year-old little girl.
We head out to the beach tomorrow morning. And as I pack and get the house ready for my in-laws to house/dog sit, I feel overwhelmed by everything I need to do. But I’m looking forward to the time we will be spending together as a family, and I want to make sure that I soak in every minute. And I want to video a lot because someday I can look back on this week and remember all the things happening during this part of my life. And I’m sure I will laugh and cry and get all up in my feelings… because life changes, and we can either fight or embrace it.
Until Next Time,
Whitney