The pastor initially said I could read my letter of resignation to the church on November 17.
That was changed when we had two young men ask to be baptized that Sunday.
One of these young men was pretty special. He had been talking to me about salvation for several months. I encouraged him to speak to his AWANA leader, and I gave the AWANA leader all the materials and the encouragement I could. It was of utmost importance to me to equip the volunteers in our church to share Jesus freely and comfortably with the kids they worked with. It was something I had been working toward.
This AWANA leader slowly and patiently walked through the Gospel with this boy. They spent weeks working through scripture, asking and answering questions about what it meant to become a Christian.
Finally, one Wednesday night, this young boy went to his AWANA leader and said he was ready to ask Jesus to be the Lord of his life.
It was everything I ever wanted in ministry. I wanted to help equip the church to share the Gospel, teach the leaders how to share their faith, and empower teachers to have the confidence to talk to their students about Jesus. I didn’t want these teachers and leaders to feel like they needed to bring the kids to me when they had questions about their faith; I wanted the leaders to be emboldened to share the Gospel… This was my goal, and this incident showed me that we were experiencing real growth, not just numbers.
The other one being baptized was my good friend’s son.
The pastor didn’t want me to read my letter on the 17th because he wanted to keep the energy high for the baptism, and he thought my resignation would distract from that. I agreed with this on many levels, but I was ready to get this behind me so I could move on and heal.
That Sunday, before the baptism, another young man stood before the church and prayed for his friend. This young man was and still is very special to me. He had a depth about him that most kids his age didn’t have.
He prayed that this friend being baptized would live his life loving Jesus; he thanked God that this friend was no longer just a friend and neighbor, but also a brother in Christ… it was so sweet and very emotional.
The whole service that morning was beautiful. It checked all the boxes. It would have been much easier if it had been a train wreck of a service. If that had been the case, I wouldn’t have questioned my decision, but after that service, I began to question what I was doing in earnest. Did I really want to quit?
I think it’s important to note this here. It wasn’t something I even realized at the time, but as I think and write and remember, I see it.
These services were planned. They were thought out and contemplated. It was discussed in staff meetings at length. How could we evoke the most emotion and excitement from the congregation? It was planned down to the music that was played immediately after the baptism… the pastor was adamant that there be drums and exciting music before they were even out of the water. When the former music minister didn’t do it like he wanted, we would hear about it the next day. Before the congregation even had time to finish clapping, the next song was supposed to begin.
The prayers were planned, the videos, the shirts that were worn… it was all very calculated to bring about emotion, to excite the members…
Is this wrong? I don’t know if it is or not. Services need to be planned, and things need to be orderly, but when it borders on manipulative, then we have a problem. When you plan everything based on the emotional aspect of things, it really feels more like a production than an organic service.
It’s hard for people to be angry at a pastor or question him when God is moving. When there’s a red flag, it’s easily overlooked because if God is working, then surely nothing can be wrong.
The pastor can always say that, obviously, things are good because people are coming to know Jesus and being baptized. The proof is in the pudding, right?
Even I bought into it.
I often wonder if this is why the pastor wanted us to have baptism goals. Was it to make us work harder, was it to see the church grow, or was it just to keep the appearance of things in a positive light? Adults don’t come for baptism nearly as often as kids. Occasionally it happens, but the easiest way for a church to increase its baptism numbers is to baptize kids and teenagers. The pastor referred to it as the low-hanging fruit.
The pastor’s evaluation didn’t have baptism goals. Those goals were just for the youth pastor and me. And we know based on how he handled my evaluation that these numbers were very important to him, and we know that even though the youth pastor and I begged that he remove these “goals” so we wouldn’t feel like the baptisms were some sort of numerical goal or competition, he insisted that we keep the goal so that we worked harder.
It begs the question… is every baptism a numerical goal for him?
He always kept a little sheet of paper in the top desk drawer on the right side of his desk. It was a little pull-out section of the desk, and he used it just for this purpose. He had lists with tally marks that he added to each time someone was saved, baptized, or joined the church. He kept a running total.
Realizing all of this helps me make sense of the time it has taken to heal. After you’ve seen what goes on behind closed doors, you wonder… Surely this isn’t normal behavior in pastors, surely this isn’t how most churches do things… but it makes me question everything, and remembering these kinds of things helps me understand why.
I was in turmoil when I got home from church that morning, Sunday, November 17. I remember going to my bedroom right when we walked into the house and closing the door.
I collapsed in sobs. I couldn’t pull myself together.
I prayed out loud to God… I questioned Him over and over…. Why God?
Why God, Why?
Why do I need to quit this job?
Didn’t you see what happened this morning?
Didn’t you see those precious children this morning?
Didn’t you see the AWANA leader who led him to Jesus?
Didn’t you hear the prayer of this sweet boy?
Don’t you see the growth?
I’m doing a good job, God… I’m working hard and seeing change; I just want my joy and energy back… I just want to go back to how it was… it isn’t too late. I haven’t told the church yet. We can change our minds; I can take my job back… no one will know… God Why?
Why can’t I do this? Please just let me go back, I begged.
And at that moment, I felt the Holy Spirit in a way that I’ve never felt Him before. This warmth rushed over me, and the words I heard were, “It’s not a safe place for you to be.”
Out loud, I asked, “what does that even mean” and again, I heard, “It’s not a safe place for you to be.”
I know many won’t believe that what I described ever happened; I’m not sure that I would believe it if someone told me. I will be the first to admit that it doesn’t sound real, and it even sounds creepy… but it stopped me in my tracks. It got my attention, and I knew that I couldn’t go back…God spoke to me through His Holy Spirit that day. I had to listen.
What wasn’t safe? Was I straying so far away from God that there would be no return if I stayed? Would I continue to get so bitter that I would let the job completely destroy me?
Was there going to be physical harm to me, more mental and emotional harm?
I have no idea… but I knew God was serious.
That day will forever be seared in my memory. What God showed me was very clear. My time as Children’s Minister was over. God was pulling me out of a situation that I couldn’t see or know at the time. He was protecting me…
I met with the Personnel Committee to tell them about my decision on November 20, 2019. It was a Wednesday night after AWANA. I walked into the board room, and the committee was gathered there, waiting for me. My friend that we had dinner with was there; he sat next to me. He already knew. The rest of them knew something was up.
The pastor was also there… so controlling the narrative was of utmost importance. I took notes with me that night and went down them point by point so I wouldn’t stray from the story.
God had shown me that it was time to quit, I told them. I couldn’t do the job any longer… no, there were no issues, no, no issues with staff members…no reason at all except that God had been working on me, and I knew it was time…
I wanted to blurt out all the real reasons I was quitting and all the hurt I had been through that year, but I didn’t.
The personnel committee expressed their sadness at my resignation. They encouraged me and told me that they loved me. They thanked me for the job I had done and told me that they supported my decision, but I would be dearly missed. It was a good meeting, but I couldn’t help but feel that I hadn’t told them everything, because I didn’t…
I didn’t tell them about the evaluation, the extra work that summer, or my exhaustion and feeling like I was burning out. I didn’t tell them about the pastor’s inconsistency and his mood swings. I didn’t tell them how he talked about the members behind closed doors… even some who were sitting at that table. I didn’t tell them about the raise and the unfairness surrounding that or the hiring of the new worship pastor and how that was planned to help make the pastor look good. I didn’t tell them about the hush money. I didn’t tell them how the pastor had asked me to control the narrative, to make it look good for him…. I just sat there and stuck with the story, and I regret that.
I worked to put the finishing touches on my resignation letter that week. I emailed a copy to the preacher to proofread.
My counselor had recommended that I take a 3-month sabbatical from the church to work through things and to let the church settle into a new normal. The pastor said that if I said 3 months in my resignation letter, the church would think there was more going on. So, I needed to say I would only be gone for 1 month.
Can you guess why? Yep, 3 months would look bad for him, and people would talk.
I revised the letter, got his ok, and on Sunday morning, November 24, 2019, at the end of the service, I stood before the congregation, before a room full of people that I loved and respected, and through tears, read them this letter…
The Bible says in Genesis 22:1 and 2
After these things, God tested Abraham and said to him Abraham, and he said here I am. He said take your son, your only son Isaac who you love and go to the land of Moriah and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you.
I feel a bit like Abraham carrying something I love up a mountain to give it up, waiting for a ram to come from a thicket, but none have come.
I have begged and pleaded with God to fix me, to restore my joy, to give me the energy and love for the ministry that I once had.
I’ve distanced myself from God because I knew in my heart what his answer would be. And then run back into His arms so He could comfort me when I relented to do what He called me to do.
I have been doing Children’s ministry since I was a child myself. It has been something that I’ve loved for as long as I can remember.
I never sought to be a Children’s Minister on a church staff, but I felt very blessed when He called me to do just that.
From the moment I took the job, I envisioned that I would hold this position until I was old and feeble. I planned to be the oldest children’s minister that the world had ever seen. I honestly didn’t see this coming.
God began to work on my heart earlier this year. I didn’t want to hear what He was trying to tell me.
But now it’s clear to me that it’s time for me to resign my position as Children’s Minster of Tree Town Baptist Church.
My resignation will be effective January 1, 2020.
I plan to remain a faithful and active member of Tree Town Baptist Church. I was a member before I took the job and I plan to be a member after.
I probably won’t be around much during the month of January to allow myself and the church to adjust to this new normal. But, I’ll be back.
I would like to dispel any rumors before they begin. I love everyone on this staff, it grieves me to leave this team. It’s nothing I would ever do without a clear call from God to do so. There is nothing between any of us that would cause me to resign.
My family is fine.
I’m looking forward to giving them more time and I plan to enjoy spending time at home, but nothing at home has caused me to resign.
Trust me when I say that I’ve sought the will of God in this with fervor and determination to find exactly what He wants me to do. I took two days away from everyone and everything to spend time listening to what God had to say to me and I began to read from the book of Psalms. And when I didn’t have the words to pray, with tears streaming down my face, God comforted me through these words. Psalms 18: 30. This God, His way is perfect, the word of the Lord proves true, He is a shield for those who take refuge in Him.
God relentlessly pursued me even when I didn’t want to hear what He was having to say.
Please know without a doubt that He has given me this answer. I don’t know the reason, but He does.
He has big plans for this ministry, and this church and I look forward to seeing what He has to do.
I love each and every one of you. I love this church, every child that I’ve known is precious to me and they are the hardest thing for me to leave. And that’s what breaks my heart the most.
Please know that it’s the position I’m leaving and not the people. Please pray for me as I make this huge life transition.
Thank you for allowing me this amazing opportunity to serve. Thank you for supporting me and thank you for loving me.
When I was done, the church gave me a standing ovation. Then, the pastor said a few words, prayed over me and told people to come to the front of the sanctuary to hug me and talk to me after we were dismissed.
After the pastor said Amen, I heard the music start playing. My dear friend, who was the sound engineer and chose all the music played before and after services, had no idea what this song meant to me. He told me later that it was the song he thought defined my ministry best. I will never forget how I felt at that moment… the song was Only Jesus. The song we played at my Grandmother’s funeral. If I wanted people to think one thing about my ministry at Tree Town Baptist, this was it….
Make it count, leave a mark, build a name for yourself
Dream your dreams, chase your heart, above all else
Make a name the world remembers
But all an empty world can sell is an empty dream
I got lost in the light when it was up to me
To make a name the world remembers
But Jesus is the only name to remember
And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy
I don’t care if they remember me
Only Jesus
And I, I’ve only got one life to live
I’ll let every second point to Him
Only Jesus
All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won
Will crumble into dust when it’s said and done
’Cause all that really mattered
Did I live the truth to the ones I love?
Was my life the proof that there is only One
Whose name will last forever?
And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy
I don’t care if they remember me
Only Jesus
And I, I’ve only got one life to live
I’ll let every second point to Him
Only Jesus
Until Next Time,
Whitney