This past summer, I had a moment. You see, I waited over two years, hoping things would resolve with the people of Tree Town. I was quiet. I refrained from speaking ill of the church, the pastor… I just quietly waited. I had hope.
Maybe things would repair themselves.
A few people reached out to me this spring in what I thought was an out-of-the-blue thing. I don’t think I feel that way anymore, but at the time, it seemed organic, like they just thought of me and decided to reach out.
To be clear, these aren’t the people that have reached out to me in support of my blog; these were people that I hadn’t heard one word from since we left Tree Town.
At that time, I had already started blogging, but I had no idea anyone was reading it.
I remember sitting at the dinner table and asking Jeremy, what have I done? These people are finally coming back into our lives. If they ever find the blog, I’ve probably ruined it for our entire family.
He responded that they wouldn’t have waited a full 2 years to reach out to us if they really loved and missed us. He said genuine friends don’t wait that long to contact you.
A couple of months later, I was talking to someone else about the situation. With the words from that friend who said I was punishing my entire family and holding a grudge still ringing in my ears, I asked this person if they thought I had ruined something that was on the verge of repairing itself.
His answer was the same, if they didn’t reach out to you for two entire years, then they weren’t ever genuine friends, to begin with.
Then this friend taught me a wonderful French phrase to keep me focused on my goals. He reiterated to me that what happened to me wasn’t okay and that my story could possibly help others going through their own church abuse situations. And he reminded me that I never intended the blog to be for the people of Tree Town. It was for people that had been hurt by churches. The fact that they found it wasn’t my fault… it was never intended for them.
I keep that French phrase tucked in my mind, and when I begin to question things, I bring it back out.
As I near the end of my story at Tree Town, I still have moments where I wonder what I’ve done. Have I ruined my chances of reconciliation with some of these people? Have I just made things worse?
And then I remembered that they were okay with my silence. They were all happy as long as the truth was kept under wraps.
What they aren’t okay with is me finding my voice, my speaking out.
If the truth I’ve spoken about this pastor and this church puts these people on the defensive… can we stop and ask why?
If the things that I’ve said and the pain that I’ve shared make people run away from me, speak ill of me… instead of sending them running toward me to make things right… When I wonder why some people have reacted that way…well, that’s when I remember that wonderful French phrase that my dear friend taught me.
Because there are several who, when they have read the blog and realized what I walked through at Tree Town, have reached out in the kindest way. They have offered support and love… so I know what that looks like… and it’s a stark contrast to the silence of others.
From March-October of 2020, my communication with the people in Tree Town had slowed considerably. I had quit going to Walmart in Tree Town for fear of seeing someone who might ask questions that at the time I still felt like I couldn’t answer. Things were changing for me… I knew I wasn’t going back to the church, but I was hopeful that I could maintain some relationships. I knew that speaking negatively about the church wouldn’t be well received. So, I was laying low.
I had gone through several levels of grief already by this time…
I resigned from my job and hoped we could continue being regular attending members at Tree Town Baptist. Then when I realized that wouldn’t happen, I thought we could leave the church but still keep our relationships and friendships with all the people we had grown to love. Then, after the back porch meeting with the pastor and the dinner with the friends, I realized that most of the friendships hinged on my activity and/or position at the church. I then began to hope to just salvage a few of those even though I left the church. I desperately wanted to hold on to some of those relationships. And that’s why I was so concerned about this friendship with these ladies…
I was still having pretty regular text conversations with the group of friends I talked about in the last post. We were still doing our Psalms Bible study every day. Sundays were mostly silent but weekdays were close to normal. I could feel an unspoken tension. I hadn’t seen them in person for a couple of months. Our conversation that night had been about how Tree Town Baptist was handling Covid. As I said before, I said too much that night. I was too negative about the church. I didn’t realize that they had begun to feel more protective of the church and less of me. I had made my choice, my bed, if you will…
So, that brings me to the happenings of October 7, 2020. The day when I couldn’t hold my feelings in any longer. The day that I decided to lay it all on the table.
I’ve never once hidden the wrongs I’ve done. I’ve been open and honest from day one. I am not perfect, I do many things wrong, and there are plenty of things I would change about my exit from Tree Town.
Strangely this next part of my story was validating, and this day, October 7, 2020, as hard as it was, validated every feeling I had.
Please stick with me… this will be long and detailed, but the unraveling is apparent, and the validation comes.
Before I type this next part, let me be clear… this wasn’t my finest moment. I own that. If I could go back and do it differently, I would. My tone was bad, my wording was bad… I messed up. I know I did… I realized that almost immediately, as you will see, but it was too late…
October 7, 2020, around 11:00 a.m., I sent this text message to this group of friends. I sent it soon after the strange exchange in our group message about the pastor’s wife having Covid… I was just tired of wondering…there had been too many passages in Psalms that were miraculously about pastors and leaving the church… too many silent Sundays… something wasn’t right, and I wanted to address it.
I’m going to ask y’all a serious question because it’s been eating at me. Instead of “reading” into things I’ve been feeling like are being said I’m just going to lay it all on the table and ask it.
Yes, we left Tree Town Baptist. Yes, I was angry and hurt. Yes my feelings were legitimate and all the things I said happened really did happen.
No, that’s not at all the only reason we left and No, I haven’t been bad mouthing the church to people. In fact, I’ve had very little contact with anyone over there and have stayed out of even Walmart as much as I can to keep from seeing people who might ask me questions.
That being said, we were there for 12 years and it has been a big part of my life for a long time. It has been hard to let go, but I am slowly getting there. I love the people there. I do still care.
I feel tension anytime I mention or ask anything about the church.
Let’s lay the ground rules. Since I am now an outsider, what can I ask or not ask. Can I mention anything or is it strictly off limits for me?
Please be honest. I’m tired of reading things into messages. I would just ask this in person, but we can’t get together. I want to know because I don’t want to lose this friendship based on anything I might think y’all are feeling. I’m not a bad person. Contrary to popular opinion I am strong in my faith. Stronger now than when I was at Tree Town for sure. I have no doubt that God took me from there to save me from destruction. That was what He had for me… just me. So, I don’t fault or blame anyone for staying and loving the church. I’m not trying to take anyone with me. I’ve been through church splits, and I never want to be part of one. I want y’all to be happy in the church, while I’m happy outside of it. I don’t want to hear the juicy gossip or know the going on of the place.
So, can someone please tell me what the new rules are. I’m so accustomed to being able to say anything I want to y’all, but I feel like that’s not okay anymore.
Now, I don’t know how that text message reads to you. You can’t add tone to a text. But I will tell you that I was completely broken when I typed it out. I felt like I had lost way more than I intended to lose by leaving Tree Town Baptist. These friends were everything to me. If they needed me to not speak about or ask about Tree Town Baptist, I wanted them to understand that I was okay with that. We could put that rule in place, and I would abide by it. Whatever it took…
But that’s not at all how the message was received. Instead, it came across as accusatory that I wanted to put rules on a friendship… and that’s okay… they can perceive it however they want; they’re grown adults.
Friend #2’s response to that message…
I’m not sure what you are reading into. I’ve looked back over the text and have drawn a blank. I do see where you took offense at mine and *****’ * response about the pastor’s wife not being at church. The tone was exactly how you would hear me talk in any conversation. You asked a question and it was answered. No accusations implied. We understand you left the church under your own will. People leave churches all the time for various reasons. That isn’t my call or anyone besides you, your family and God. There should be no reason to avoid people because you left. That’s all that has to be said. You actually told us that you didn’t want to leave it was God he moved you. I don’t get why it has to be a big deal. I haven’t heard anyone say that you have been mouthing about the church. You have asked us that before and we have answered you honestly. I don’t lay out rules for my friends. You either want to be my friend or you don’t. Its not a game that needs instructions. I hate that you feel like you need to read into something. We haven’t changed. I am still the same ole me. As for your faith, who are we that would call it into question. Its your faith. You just said that God took you from Tree Town Baptist. Why does that have to be questioned? This next one I totally don’t get. Why would you leaving cause the church to split? Or why would people be saying that you are taking people with you. Staff members leave too, I’m not getting the importance of your departure over another staff members??? If people are leaving a church because another member left, then these are red flags surrounding those people. Or they are what people call church hoppers. Just like I didn’t help you with children’s ministry because you asked me. I am doing it for God. When you left that wasn’t the end of my ride. I don’t the rule game. If you want to be my friend, perfect. Friends have different opinions and can still be friends. There is no game involved. ***** is friends with people I don’t like, I’m friends with people ***** doesn’t like. I can deal with that.
You have said some stuff that raises my eyebrows. What are you implying? A lot of what I have read, I have no idea where you are coming from. I’ll be honest…while reading it I was saying “what in the world”???” I’m a straight shooter and do not like beating around the bush. If something needs to be explained by me ask me. Whitney you are a good friend. I’m definitely confused by your text.
Okay, I still shake my head when I read over that. I was doing exactly what she asked me to. I was also being a straight shooter and asked her to explain something. But, it wasn’t received that way. Also, pay close attention to the fact that she declares that everything I’ve said is just crazy. I’m way off. I’m reading too much into things. They are treating me no differently than they always have. Please stick with me.
Friend #1 responded not long after that. Her response was kind, not nearly as accusatory as Friend #2. It was also long but very kind.
Here is my response to Friend #1 and Friend #2’s texts…
I shouldn’t have said rules… it was a general term, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. Let me start over, because I feel like I’ve just made a mess and made y’all mad.
I’m feeling extremely insecure. I don’t know where I belong anymore. Yes, my faith is stronger than it’s ever been but I’m lonely without people. I was accustomed to being busy almost every day with church stuff and I don’t miss that but I do miss people needing me and loving me. I miss the fellowship. And the fellowship has been broken with almost everyone there. If I’m totally honest the broken friendship with the pastor and his wife is painful. And the fact that we tried to fix it and then he went and said things to our other friends and ruined our friendship with them makes me angry. It’s hard to take and it hurts. I know y’all sit under him every week, and I can’t imagine that anyone he speaks to would still like me. All in my head I’m sure, but it’s the truth of how I feel.
I went on to explain that I had just been diagnosed with a pretty serious health problem. There were lots of unknowns, and I was scared. I explained that I was accustomed to having a church family surrounding me during hard times, and I didn’t have that anymore.
I think it’s important to point out that we hadn’t even been absent from Tree Town Baptist for a year at this time. This was just October 2020. I hadn’t done anything to lose these people, and as I mentioned in that first text, I had gone out of my way not to speak ill of the church to anyone or even explain things to people who asked. These people had NO REASON to ostracize me. Yet, I found myself very alone.
The text goes on…
I feel like everyone in the church will just say, well she left the church so she deserves what she gets. That sounds far fetched but y’all I’ve seen it. Remember I saw the inside of things.
(Here, I’m referring to staff meetings and things that have been said about others. I’m concerned that the same things are being said about me. It wasn’t unusual for someone who wasn’t faithful to have a health scare, and that be explained away by the fact that when people get away from the church, God will find a way to bring them in some way)
I just keep telling myself that they will eventually get to ya’ll too, so every tiny thing makes me wonder. This is just me being honest. Probably what I should’ve started with but vulnerability isn’t my thing. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.
The following text from Friend #2 was so long that you had to click on it to open it. It’s too much to include here, so I’ll only give you some of it.
It started with…
I really hate having conversations like this over text. The tone is especially hard to determine. This is all said in love and not to judge or in spite. You leaving the church on the terms you left does change some things.
(ding, ding, ding) This was why I sent the first text, to begin with. I felt that.
It continues…
I want you to heal and be where God has moved you.
She goes on to say that they encouraged me to come back, then came to terms with the fact that we weren’t. She says that she doesn’t want to bring things up about church that might “pick a scab.”
She then explains a time in her life that she was so angry with someone that even the mention of this person’s name made her blood boil. She talks about people she has hated. Then she says…
Hate is a master, a cruel one. I might not speak openly about church stuff because I love you as a friend that much.
She tells me that it is honorable of me not to speak ill of the church or spread gossip.
She tells me that I am a closed chapter in the book of Tree Town Baptist, just like other people who worked there and left.
(but it’s not the same, we were members there first… it’s not the same)
She encourages me to find a church quickly, not to wait.
She is kind and says that she’s sorry about the bad medical news I received, that she wishes she could hug me, and that they are in my corner and want what’s best.
But she doesn’t end there….
To circle back around to the church. Let me be honest here. I believe you let some of this get the best of you. This is why you might feel that I am not open about church stuff. I don’t want to fuel the fire or stir the pot. I do not want you going down that path. The quicker you can get to the point of moving on the better. You will look back and wished you had let go of things sooner.
Okay, this was good. This was the conversation I was looking to have. Open, honest, hashing it out… this was good. This was what I had been feeling from them. I felt that they were holding back, protecting me in their own way. That was fine, but I needed to hear it. I was tired of living in a world where it was unspoken. I could work with this!
So I said…
Thank you for your honesty. I feel you holding back and that’s probably where my worries come from. We were always able to be so open and I feel like with me leaving that harmed that. I don’t want yall to think of me as delicate. I’m not. And I don’t want you to think of me as bitter, because I’m not. I know God used those painful things to move us from Tree Town. They hurt, but they were ordained.
I also don’t want yall to think I regret leaving, because I don’t. I’m sometimes confused and ask God why he wanted us to leave, but that answer hasn’t come yet. It would’ve been much easier to stay where it was comfortable than leave without knowing where we are headed.
I do want the programs to go on and go on well. I genuinely don’t wish to be back doing that.
I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. God showed us through many ways that we were supposed to leave, ways that I couldn’t have imagined if I had tried. Ways that were ugly and painful and there were lots of things I never shared.
Finding a church in the midst of a pandemic is not really possible. We are attending church regularly. We haven’t missed a week of church since we left.
I don’t want y’all to think I’m wishing we were back, that’s not it, it’s just that changes of this magnitude take some time to heal. It takes years sometimes, and in those years you feel every emotion from sadness to anger and God understands that. Today I’m sad. I wouldn’t say I’ve let this get the best of me. I can’t agree with that. Ya’ll might get the little snippets of my anger and sadness but that’s not the whole picture. The best is yet to come.
We can see in the psalms that David was up and down daily. And God gave him a book in the Bible (the longest one). So I have to think that he’s okay with my ups and downs too.
I planned to be at Tree Town Baptist for the rest of my life. I didn’t see this whole change coming… and this month is the anniversary of that change. I think that has something to do with my emotions.
I just want y’all to be honest with me. I want that freedom I felt when we did go to church together. I want to find a way to feel a part instead of feeling like I’m on the outside. (I’m not putting that on anyone but myself) Not the inside of Tree Town Baptist, or know all the info, but I just want to feel like y’all are treating me the same and not protecting me. I don’t need protection, I just need friendship, love and trust.
Okay, even when I type that out again, I don’t feel any anger or accusations. I felt like we had a tough conversation, and it was over and done. We had respectfully spoken to one another. It started out rocky, but it appeared to be ending well. When I pushed send, I felt such relief. They had been treating the subject of church differently with me, but now that I knew their reasons, I understood. I reiterated that I wasn’t delicate and didn’t want to be treated differently but understood the reasons… Good friends, hard conversations, things had been figured out… let’s move on…
And then I received this from Friend #2…
Well let me be clear. What you are considering me holding back is like a salt grain. So if that is your worry is coming from to spark this crazy text, I might would check again.
Church is no longer a common interest. So, naturally I’m not going to be talking much about it. And it is a sore spot. I don’t internally flaunt stuff like that in people’s faces. The protection isn’t just for you. But I think you are wrong about not finding a church in the middle of a pandemic. God is just a little bit mightier than that. That’s not my choice, it’s yours. Just want to clear that up. There is no shame in being wrong, ya know.
I still shake with anger when I read that text. This friend validated every single thing that I said in my first text message. Every syrupy sweet previous text from her was all a cover-up for this. All the “Christian love” responses were just for show. It’s how a nun should act, but she wasn’t as perfect as she wanted people to think. She had another side that she kept hidden. This was how she really felt. We finally got to the truth of the matter. Here it was, in black and white. All my suspicions were confirmed… every feeling that I had validated…
This is how I responded…
Okay hold up. That is not at all how I intended that to be taken. I’m not sure what I said to bring that on. That previous text was meant to be humble not angry or accusatory in the least bit. I appreciated your honestly and all that you said. I was wrong, please forgive me.
Time passed, and there was no answer, so I texted this…
I’m so confused right now. I thought we were having a discussion. I own the fact that I brought this up and y’all felt like it came out of nowhere. I’m sorry for doing that.
I feel like the last text was a dropping of the gauntlet. Would you like to talk it out or are you done with me?
Friend # 3 chimed in. She had been at work that day and was just able to respond…
Her text was kind. I won’t share the entire thing because it’s long…
Whitney, to address your first text, you feel like there is tension when you bring up church convo to us. I can see where you might feel that but I also see why we might seem a little “off” to talk about it. Speaking for myself it puts me in an awkward situation. Only because you left. You’ve made it clear your done. So in my mind I don’t want to bring up harsh feelings or put you in a mood.
She goes on to talk about the pain they experienced at their last church. How things can be brought up, and she still gets worked up.
She encourages me to quickly find a new church, even during the pandemic.
She says…
Should there be limits or rules as far as what we can or cannot talk about? No. Are all conversations going to be easy? No. We are all going to disagree on things and we are all going to be right sometimes and wrong sometimes. We are human.
I love you Whitney. I’m sorry you have felt the way you are feeling..
She goes on to say that she feels like there’s more going on with me. Like the health scare and farming have me wound up and that she’s worried about me.
I thanked her for her kind response, for validating my feelings, and for understanding how I might feel the way I did.
I tell her we are in no hurry to find a new church. That the pandemic has us only attending churches where we know that Covid restrictions are being appropriately handled so we can be safe for my mom.
I apologize for my text that morning. I own that I sent it before thinking and regret mentioning it.
I didn’t hear from them until the following day when Friend #2 sent this on October 8, 2020, at 7:40 a.m.
No, Whitney that wasn’t the drop of the gauntlet. That is me taking a stand that I’m not going to be a scapegoat. This discussion is futile and I’m ending my portion of it.
My answer…
I have apologized repeatedly and admitted I was wrong and asked to make it right. I don’t know what else you want me to do. That’s all I’m humanly capable of. I don’t know what else to do.
There’s more to this story, but I think I will need to tell it in a separate post.
I know that my emotions were strong that day. I had admitted that my wording and tone were terrible and that I should have thought things through before sending the message. I apologized over and over and over.
Finally, I didn’t know what else to do.
You know what… I regret apologizing like I did. I was sorry for the tone and the way I worded things, but I wasn’t sorry that I asked the question. I had a legitimate concern. These were supposed to be my friends… So why was I apologizing for asking something I was concerned about… after Friend #2 said that my suspicions were crazy over and over, in the end, I was right. They were treating me differently, they were putting the church topic off limits.
What’s that saying???… something like when people start ducking you must be shooting pretty close.
Why would I include this portion of my story if this blog is about church hurt? This part is about losing friends…
I lost these friends because of the church. I didn’t realize that our friendship was so centered around attending, serving, and loving Tree Town Baptist, but it was.
If I had known this friendship would dissolve after leaving the church I’m almost positive that I wouldn’t have had the courage to follow through with my resignation. These friends were such an integral part of my everyday life. I loved them and their families. Losing them didn’t make sense to me. How could this happen?
I think this kind of thing is common in church hurt stories. In fact, I’ve heard some very similar. People have to show their loyalty to either the organization or a person, and I feel like 9 times out of 10, they will choose the organization… I say that because when I was there, that’s what I did. People would leave, and I saw them as unfaithful, as people who were no longer loyal… it was the culture of the church.
I know that it must be common because this has circled around social media several times…
This part of the story hurts.
It still hurts even 2 years later.
Until Next Time,
Whitney