89. The Ghost of Church Past

Ok, I’ve written one post already, I’ve looked over my list, I’ve gone back through other things I’ve written earlier, I’ve tried to come up with something, anything… something that would be seen as neutral, something that wouldn’t be perceived as a direct response to things happening in my life right now.

But here I am, once again, with thoughts I can’t ignore. So, though I have tried to ignore what is on my heart, I cannot. I have always been transparent and honest, why should I stop now?

Here we go…

I began this blog as a way of healing. I have known from the beginning that the things I said could be taken wrong or seen as some kind of attack though that was never the goal.

I addressed this issue in a recent blog post.

I think my line was something like if you punch me in the face and I tell someone, it isn’t my fault, you shouldn’t have punched me in the face, and I never would have told.

That’s a simplistic example but it makes the point. You just don’t get to have a say in how someone deals with their pain.

If you cause pain in someone’s life and they talk about it, write about it, or sing about it… and it hurts or bothers the one who caused the pain, that is not the fault of the injured person.

I love the quote I heard from Amy Fritz… “you don’t shame a gunshot victim for bleeding on the floor”.

You also can’t control how that blood comes out of the victim. Whether it spreads or puddles or stains…

My “bleeding” showed up in blog form. And it did that for the reason of helping others who have experienced similar things. Others who have been hurt by churches and pastors.

I’m continually surprised by how much people want to cover up in the name of peace.

I’m shocked by the lengths people will go to protect the proverbial “Man of God .” I have so many thoughts on that subject, but I will save that for its own post.

I have said more than once that I understand the anger that comes when you read things about people you love. I get it. I would want to defend my dad, husband, my family… oh wait, that’s what I’ve done. But I don’t expect anything different from the people who read. I hear you, I see you, and I understand.

The overall themes of this blog are church hurt, church abuse, abuse of authority, lost friendships…

I can’t change how what has happened to me affects the lens through which I see these things.

You can argue about small details all day, but in the end, these things happened, and they were painful and done by “Men of God,” pastors and churches… You can’t remove that fact. They really did these things. They abused the position.

Pastors are to be gentle shepherds… Unfortunately, I have known very few that meet that criteria. But the ones I have known are amazing, so there’s hope.

I did a little research on Google and found that the average American church has about 65 people in attendance each week. Churches that size generally have only one pastor who oversees the congregation. Even in churches that small, the pastor has the opportunity to affect many people’s lives. One pastor, sixty-five people… that’s a lot of people to either build up or destroy each week. There are millions of people hurt by pastors. The number of pastors in comparison to church members is apparent. These men have so much power to hurt so many people.

Even though the numbers are much more in favor of church members being hurt by pastors than pastors being hurt by churches, I won’t argue that, in fact, pastors do get hurt. I’ve seen it firsthand. Churches also hurt pastors. That is a true statement. And not only the pastor but their families also get hurt. Their wives get hurt. Their children deal with intense pressure. They are put under a microscope. It isn’t fair. These children don’t have easy lives. A pastor chooses his position, but the kids don’t ask to be the children of a pastor.

I’ve seen these kids become atheists, experiment with homosexuality, get pregnant out of wedlock, hide pregnancies for fear of their dad being hurt by their decisions, and have abortions. I’ve seen them lash out by breaking the law or turning to drugs. I’ve seen them go to jail and prison. I’ve seen them become alcoholics. I’ve seen them struggle to know what a family looks like so they have repeated divorces. I’ve known of those that self -harm and even some who commit suicide. Many pastors’ children suffer, this is a sad truth. They are judged for simple innocent things… even things as simple as piercings, tattoos, the color of their hair or how they dress. They endure endless pressure to be perfect and when they fail it is catastrophic.

Sometimes it’s the church people who cause this unnecessary pressure, but many times it is the pastor parent who fears the retribution of the church for their kids “misbehaving”. Churches generally require these kids’ parents to work endless hours and in turn this makes the family unit suffer. My goal is not to add to that pressure. I would even say shame on us for doing this. These are kids. They deserve to make mistakes the same as anyone else.

I won’t argue that these pastors have felt like they were doing what God wanted them to do in many situations. I won’t say that they woke up every morning saying that they were going to beat the shit out of their sheep… but they did. Their personalities, mindset, and arrogance… those things affected their shepherding. And in the end, those things won out over what was perceived to be doing the work of the Lord. As a result, there was a pile of bodies behind the bus.

Instead of pastors getting angry about what is written about them, how about they try to change? What if more pastors were gentle shepherds?

Just because I write about things that have happened in my past, whether 35 years ago or 3 years ago… just because I choose to tell the story about what happened, doesn’t mean I’m bitter or unforgiving. It just doesn’t.

Those stories are necessary to show the years of abuse, the years of pastors using their “authority” to use, belittle and destroy… these need to be told. And the telling of those stories doesn’t make someone bitter. Instead, it makes them aware that what happened to them in the past molded them into what they are today.

The thing I could have done better when beginning my blog was to clarify that the things that happened years ago have shaped my perception of churches and pastors. Still, I don’t think about them often or dwell on them. I wouldn’t even say I’m still angry about them. Many of the people who I had issues with in the past are not my enemies, but I would even consider them my friend. But moving on doesn’t mean forgetting, and it doesn’t mean I have to be silent about those things that did happen. My goal, however, was not to poke the bear.

The things that happened in the past few years are things I’m still working through. I would not say I dwell on those either, but those wounds are still fresh. As I work through things, my anger becomes less and less.

Listen, if you find this blog and think it can help someone going through church hurt, please share it. But if you are reading this blog and know me personally, and even though I’ve left out names, you know who I’m talking about, why are you sharing it with those people? I don’t care if you do. I’m not trying to hide the blog or what I’ve said. I signed my name to it. I’m not hiding. But if you read it and thought, ooh, I should tell the person she’s writing about that she’s writing about them. Why? Just why? What did you hope to gain from that?

And if you read this and take issue with things I say, contact me. I’ll read it. I’ll genuinely feel bad that you are hurt as well. I will understand. I won’t hate you. In fact, I would like to live in peace with those I can. But I probably won’t respond. I’m not going to battle with individuals. I don’t have the space.

Until Next Time,

Whitney