I was back to work after my surgery for two weeks when the pastor decided it was time to fire the music minister. I don’t know all the details of what transpired through the month of February since I was out of the office. It seemed like the pastor went from training him in leadership to saying it was time for him to go almost overnight. However, I noticed an increased tension in the first staff meeting when I returned, and honestly, there had been increased tension in the office for the past several months.
The pastor decided that it was time to let him go.
That sounds so simple… letting him go…
But you probably already know that there was nothing simple about it. In fact, it was quite the production.
It has become almost an “urban legend.” So many stories swirled around as to what happened that night. My husband was not only on the Personnel Committee, but he was also a deacon. I was on staff and the pastor was our good friend. My husband knew what happened on the committee and deacon front, but he wasn’t inside the pastor’s office when the firing occurred. So for that portion, I can only tell the story that was told to me by the pastor.
The following is the version the pastor told me.
The “letter” the music minister signed was always a central part when he told it. Since hearing the pastor’s side of the story, someone else recently told me that there was no NDA, no prescribed amount of severance, and no stipulations. I’ve been told that the deacons decided that the music minister couldn’t read his resignation letter. Still, my husband was a deacon and has zero recollection of this.
However, I think it needs to be said that this blog was created first for me to work through my healing process and also examine myself to realize all the things I did wrong and own up to them. Writing the things that happened in this order and in this much detail shows me how the little things added up to my near destruction. So, the story’s nuances aren’t as important as realizing the church’s broader intention to knowingly cause someone pain. And the common habit of the church to hide these things, keep them quiet, and then feign ignorance when these things are brought to light. This blog also exists for people who have been hurt by churches so that they can read and see that they aren’t alone. It continues to bring light to the shroud of secrecy that encompasses the local church, to bring out things that are hidden and call them out for what they are. Churches shouldn’t hurt people, and victims shouldn’t be shamed.
Now back to my story…
When things went down, they went down quickly. The pastor decided to bring the music minister in on a Tuesday night to meet with himself, the chairman of personnel, chairman of the deacons. Please keep in mind that this music minister had no moral failure. He hadn’t committed a crime. There had been no major blowup. The pastor just decided that he couldn’t work with him anymore. I say none of that to discredit the fact that the music minister might have worn out his welcome; it might have been time for him to move on, but there was no way to point to one major thing he had done wrong.
Although there had been no crime or moral failure, the music minister’s firing was treated like he had done something terrible.
Tuesday night, March 12, 2019…. The chairpersons were brought in to meet with the pastor and the music minister.
The deacons were asked to assemble and would arrive to meet after this meeting was over.
The pastor said he explained that it was time for the music minister to resign. The church would offer him six months of total salary severance pay… IF he wouldn’t tell anyone the details about the meeting, IF he wouldn’t speak ill of the church to anyone, and all of the stipulations were included in the “letter” the music minister was told he would sign. The “letter” could be better described as an NDA (Non-Disclosure Agreement).
The music minister was utterly shocked.
The pastor enjoyed this.
He giddily told me that the music minister had come in with his iPad, ready to take notes, thinking this was just a meeting. But when he realized what was happening, he said that the music minister squirmed and stuttered, but eventually, he agreed to uphold the things asked of him and signed the NDA in return for the severance pay.
The pastor was more than proud of himself. He was happy with how things went down; he enjoyed the power play and the reaction of the music minister. He was thrilled that he could now choose his own music minister. In his mind, the power struggle was finally over.
Here’s another area where I have so much regret. I knew this was going down, and I knew how it was going down, I knew when; I knew way too many details. I was so scared to go to the office that week. I sat through a staff meeting, knowing that this was the music minister’s last meeting. It was stressful. What makes this story even worse is that the music minister and his wife had been my friends. The previous years they had spent holidays at our house with our family. I’m not even sure when or how things changed; I just know they had. I certainly wasn’t a friend to them through this part of their journey. I could have been…
But instead, I was proud… I was so proud that I knew that it would finally happen. And I was complicit… I did nothing to stop things or warn the music minister of what was coming… I was arrogant… I genuinely thought I was better than him somehow because the church approved of my ministry, they also liked me… and I thought they didn’t like him.
So, I enjoyed the whole thing. I enjoyed hearing the pastor tell the story; I enjoyed the fact that the music minister squirmed and had no idea he would be fired.
And today, it all makes me so very sad. Last year God really began to convict me about this whole thing. I told my husband I felt like I needed to apologize to the music minister and his wife. It was weighing heavy on my heart. I was listening to a podcast at the time, and they were discussing how people had been fired from church positions. They were describing instances similar to how the music minister had been “let go.” I honestly didn’t realize until then that how the music minister was fired wasn’t how things had to be done. I listened to people talk about how destroyed and helpless they felt when they had been done this way by the church. I cried as I listened to their stories and realized this was precisely how Tree Town Baptist had treated the music minister. I was no longer clueless, and I knew it was wrong. I knew what part I had played in that wrong and wanted and needed to apologize to them. I had no idea how my apology would be received. I hadn’t spoken to them since March of 2019. I’m very thankful that they forgave me, and I’m happy to say we remain friends.
When the music minister walked out of the pastor’s office that night, the whole deacon body waited in a room down the hall. They were there to meet to hear the details of the meeting that was just held and plan the next steps.
Can you imagine? Can you imagine how you would feel if you thought you were doing a good job and were suddenly forced to resign? Can you imagine walking into a meeting and facing the pastor, chairpersons of two church boards, being forced to sign an NDA, and then walking out of that office and realizing that the whole deacon board was there? I’m sure he felt like a criminal, like someone who was in trouble, yet all he had really done was not being able to get along with some people.
I had never been a part of anything like this. I thought this was how things were done. I thought this was protocol, and my husband thought the same thing.
It wasn’t.
This was only how this pastor decided to do things. He felt too insecure just politely to let him go. So instead, he had to make it a full-blown ordeal.
According to the pastor, the music minister broke the agreement from the NDA within an hour of leaving the church.
His wife supposedly called a friend from the church; she was upset and crying. She told the friend all that had gone down. After that, people started calling people, and by morning, too many people knew. Word had gotten around. The pastor was livid. This was his greatest fear. He was so afraid that the music minister’s wife would tell someone something that would look bad for him. He told us that many times over.
He wanted to shut it down as quickly as possible. The pastor said he decided that instead of allowing the music minister to resign in front of the church during the upcoming Sunday service, he would force him to write a letter immediately. The pastor himself would read the resignation letter to the church. The music minister was told he shouldn’t return to say his goodbyes. He was done.
Instead of saving the letter for Sunday, the pastor read the letter to the small crowd of people that Wednesday night. By Sunday, it was done and never mentioned again. As a result, many of the congregation never knew what had happened.
This left a lasting impression on me, and when it was my turn to resign, all of this was in the back of my mind. I knew that one misstep could cost me.
I’ve had a couple of years to think about all of this. Why did it need to go down the way it did? Why couldn’t the pastor just handle it discreetly on his own? Why was the big production necessary, and why did the music minister need to sign a supposed NDA? These people had no family near; they were devastated and confused. Who were they supposed to talk to? You just put them through a traumatic experience and then told them to suffer on their own.
I understand that certain aspects of a church need to be run like a business. But is this even how a business does things? I honestly think most secular businesses would be kinder. We are talking about real people, people that have worked for the church for six years, and the church became their family. Did you put them through hell to make a point? It seems inhumane and heartless because it is. You can let someone go without all the drama and production and you should. Like I said with the secretary in an earlier post, as a boss and more importantly as a pastor, you owe your employees a measure of grace and mercy. It’s not wrong to let someone go because it isn’t working out. It is wrong to do it this way.
Until Next Time,
Whitney
