I know many of my previous posts have seemed angry.
I may have mentioned this before, but I once told my counselor that I did angry well… it was my safe place… I knew how to be angry.
I think that came after years of realizing that vulnerability caused hurt. Because of that, I kept my guard up, then let my comfortable emotion become anger.
Hurt had never been something I had been comfortable admitting. So maybe that’s why when my counselor gave me the assignment to go away for two days and do some soul searching, my immediate response was fear.
I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to admit these feelings and didn’t want to sit in them.
My evaluation made me mad, but more than that, it hurt.
The raise that I didn’t receive and the hush money that came after it made me very angry, but more than that, I was disappointed and felt used.
Hiring a music minister at $10,000 more than I was making aggravated me to my core, but it was so much more than that; I felt devalued and dejected.
That’s why this post is one of the hardest ones for me. It’s vulnerable, something I don’t do well…
Hearing the pastor worry about what it would look like to spend another Wednesday night away from my “duties” and having him put that shred of doubt in my mind, I knew I couldn’t get away on Wednesday night and accomplish any kind of healing. I would constantly be worried about my phone ringing or someone needing something because that always happened. Since this pastor had been at the church, I hadn’t had one single vacation where someone didn’t need something. I was ALWAYS on call, you know, in a part-time kind of way. (Insert sarcasm)
I decided against going to the State Park hotel. I wouldn’t be able to make that work, and I was desperate to begin the process my counselor had put in place for me. And a lot of the reason was I was just ready to get it over with.
My husband found a small boutique hotel in a safe part of the city. He knew what kind of atmosphere I would need to relax in. But, he also knew just how hard this would be for me, and as much as he wanted to go with me for support, he knew this was something I had to do on my own.
I left my house around noon on October 24, 2019. I ran a few quick errands and headed to the hotel to check-in. I dropped my bags in the room and drove to my favorite nearby restaurant to get some dinner. I hate eating by myself. It was torture for me. So, I ordered enough food to eat the leftovers for lunch the next day.
My sweet daughter knew how bad I was hurting, and before I left, she fixed me up with a journal, highlighters, pens, and my Bible. She packed them in a bag for me. My whole family was feeling the weight of not only my job but the constant turmoil I had been in for so many months. I wasn’t handling things well, and it was affecting everything I did. I owed this to myself and them. I had to get answers.
After dinner, I returned to my room, took a shower, put on my pajamas, and sat on the bed. Then, I turned on the tv, flipped through the channels, called my husband, talked to my kids… anything I could do to keep from beginning the soul-searching process.
Finally, I pulled out all the supplies my daughter sent me and just looked at them. And then, finally, I started to write. I’ve kept that journal. I haven’t read it in a long time, but I pulled it out again today. It’s no coincidence that the front of the journal has Psalm 25:5 printed on the cover… “Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; on you, I wait all the day.” Then when I opened the book, I saw that printed on the top corner of each page was Psalm 27:8. You have said, “SEEK MY FACE” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.
What I wrote in that journal is a raw look into my soul. I will share a few things from it here just as they are written… bad grammar, missing punctuation, and all…
My first words…
I don’t want to do this
I don’t like being by myself
I don’t like quiet
I don’t like eating alone
I don’t want to cry
I don’t know where to start
I turned to a blank page and began to write, having no idea where it was going…
I’m scared to search too deep. I’m scared that God will tell me I need to quit, and I don’t know how. I don’t know who I am anymore without the job. I won’t have an office anymore. I won’t be on a team anymore. I won’t be on the inside info line anymore. The pastor won’t tell me things. What if my friendship with the pastor ends? Will people at church still appreciate me?
Will I have a purpose? Can I let it go?
Then I began to make lists.
I had never done anything like this before and didn’t know the “correct” way.
What is bothering me now about the job?
- I’m tired/exhausted
- I feel like more is expected of me than anyone else
- I get paid less that anyone
- I hate the paperwork (this one makes me laugh, because I really did hate the paperwork)
- The evaluations aren’t fair- I can only fail.
- I feel like a fake. I’m constantly telling people they should read and study God’s word and then I don’t
- I feel like the pastor is inconsistent as a boss and unfair.
I then went on to write down everything that had happened since I started the job. I worked through how much harder my job had been since the new pastor had arrived; how much more time I had at home before being required to go to the office two days a week. And then I walked through every month of 2019, trying to see where it all went wrong.
A few things:
New Boss- I had never had a job outside of home and now I’ve had two new bosses within a year. During the entire transition, I did the youth pastor’s work too- handling all the camps, some Wednesday night stuff, etc. And it was expected of me, or so I thought.
I remember when the new pastor came to sit down with us the first time before he officially came. I wanted him to like me, to think I was capable, even to be impressed… and he was. He treated me like an equal. So I worked even harder.
I don’t say no to any idea he has. All of 2018 I do fundraisers, egg hunt, fall fest, attend extra meetings, decorate the foyer, do photobooths-I don’t want him to think I’m a slacker so I bust my butt…
We didn’t hire a new youth pastor until August of 2018 so I also did his job. This time I did the music with my friend on Wednesday’s and really enjoyed it.
Then in all caps, I wrote…
I WANT TO SING MORE
I’ve always felt like I was good at working with kids but called more to sing and lead worship. But that has never happened. Why?
I revisited my evaluation…
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more defeated than I did after my evaluation. I’ve never worked harder in my life.
Why did my evaluation hurt me so bad? I can’t ever forget the number 3.65 out of 5, which in my mind was mediocre at best.
I had neglected my own family, exhausted myself, and my performance was mediocre. In that moment I was done, I was hurt deeply, I felt set up. I felt used and not just by my boss but by my friend.
After fighting for a better score, the pastor brought mine up to a 4.2 but the damage was done and hasn’t gone away.
There are pages and pages of musings and me working through things. But there are a few more that really stand out…
In the midst of all the “bad” things I’ve written about our children’s program has grown, kids are being baptized left and right- yet I feel farther from God than I ever have… Why?
I think I’ve become jaded to church and its people- church=work=church=God
I’ve lumped it all together. I’m upset about things with my job, and I think I’m also upset with God.
Why would He put me in a job like this one that I’m good at and all of this bad stuff happen… why is church so ugly, why are people so ugly.
I think I’ve lost myself.
I think I’ve given all of myself to the wrong thing.
I’ve been pleasing people.
Now what- I think I’ve figured out how I got here but now what?
How do I disciple people when I feel so empty?
Why do I feel so empty?
How do I teach and lead like this?
Was I ever really supposed to take this job- Am I supposed to keep it.
I’m so confused.
I’ve let the job dictate me instead of me dictating the job.
I’ve allowed people to take advantage of me over and over again.
I lost God in a job all about God.
The stuff that goes on behind the scenes makes it hard to take church seriously
What would I feel like if I wasn’t a Children’s Minister?
- Probably relieved for a while
- Sad
- Without purpose
- Confused
I’ve let this job take every minute from me… IT CONSUMES ME- and I don’t think that’s ok.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to be a mom and a wife and let being a children’s minister define me instead.
I finished with this sentence…
I can’t make any decision until I repair my relationship with God and for some reason, I’m scared to do that…
I sat there on that bed and cried, I don’t know how long. Then, finally, I just stared at my Bible, terrified to open it.
If ever while reading this blog you have thought that I’m just an angry, bitter person… if you believe that I’m, as some people have told me, holding a grudge or punishing my entire family because I can’t get over things… I hope this raw look into my thought process shows you my true heart and that what I was and still am, is broken.
This broke me in a way I had never been broken before. When I reached my lowest of lows, God met me there. I had nowhere to look but up, and He was not waiting for me; instead, He walked with me all the way, prodding, chasing, pursuing, and loving me the entire time. And as I reflect on these times and write and remember and relive them, I feel grateful. I’m so thankful to be able to say that I made it to the other side, that I was removed from the toxic environment I was in before it completely destroyed me. And I didn’t do it by myself; I couldn’t have. I am so thankful for the help and gracious love of a Savior who died for all the hurt and ugly in this world. Even the ugly things that happen in church.
It’s also important to realize that I write from the emotional perspective of when these things happened. I want to be real and honest and true to myself. I want to write these things with all the emotions I felt when they were happening… I must. To do it any other way would be disingenuous.
Do I still get angry?
Sure. I’m human.
Do I still remember things and feel my blood pressure start to rise? Yes, I certainly do.
But the more time that passes and the more I realize just what God rescued me from, the overwhelming emotion I feel is gratefulness.
I went to bed that night alone in my hotel room, resolved that when morning came, I would continue my work. I tossed and turned and woke up and wrote things down when I thought of them. It was a long night, and when morning came, I didn’t even know where to start.
Then I thought about David.
I thought about how all over the place David’s emotions were and how honest he was with God.
I finally picked up my Bible and turned to Psalms. I got out the highlighter my daughter sent and began to read through the book of Psalms and let the words wash over me… I didn’t have my own words to pray, but God gave them to me through His word. It was an incredibly healing time. Even though I had pushed Him away, He continued to pursue me relentlessly.
Psalm 6:2 Be gracious to me, O Lord for I am languishing, heal me, O Lord for my bones are troubled. 3 My soul is greatly troubled, But for you, O Lord, how long?
Psalms 7:1 O Lord my God, in you do I take refuge; save me from all my pursuers and deliver me.
Psalms 9:9-10 The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble, And those who know your name put their trust in you, For you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.
Psalms 10:1. Why, O Lord, do you stand afar off? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Psalms 13:1-2 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
Psalms 18:16-19 He sent from on high, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into the broad place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.
Psalms 18:30. This God- His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true. He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him.
I don’t know how many hours I sat and read through the book of Psalms. I cried, I prayed, and I listened, and when I was all cried out, I knew the answer.
It was time for me to quit my job.
Until Next Time,
Whitney
